This girl might very well expire this year. It is not written for pity or out of woe, it is just a theory due to the level of physical pain each day seems to carry with it of late. High pain thresholds come in handy but then she’ll breath just a little too deep or laugh just a little too hard and there it is, the absence of what used to be there and/or the presence of something new. It feels like something vital has gone wrong... and she’ll pause to give it the moment it deserves and then push past it and try to find a way to distract herself from it until it is less noticeable and feels less ominous. It’s a more dire and urgent feeling than mid-2016 to the end of 2017 had to it though, a sharper one that cuts on the inside, which no level of meditation or medication can truly evade. It is a constant feeling of unhealthiness that drags her wings down and dampens her flames.
She seems drawn here during times of heartache and this time is not entirely different, though some time has passed and the intensity has ebbed and flowed. This might be the final heart ache (other than the physical ones). It may just last though. He told her he wanted her to be “better” and so she has tried to be. That makes it seem like she has tried to be just for him but that is incorrect. She has tried to be better because better is good. Better is a happier place. She enjoys happier places, does not everyone? Her happiest place was/has been discontinued until further notice. That notice is not likely to come by any means, it is just an expression. She misses the feel of his hand in hers, the feel of his arm and/or leg around her, the feel of his finger tip poking the tip of her nose. She recalls the electrical nervousness of that first kiss and the passion behind the ones that followed there shortly after. She misses his desire to huff her hair and knowing she contributed in a positive way to the peace and happiness he felt. She misses the affection they shared and yes, she wishes for it back with many of the ounces of her soul but she also is aware that all of that is entirely out of her control or that, if it is not, she no longer knows how to exert any influence on/in the matter. Slight morsels of interaction here or there occur in the form of platonic friendship and she tries to balance on the invisible tightrope of being honest and yet being respectful and inoffensive. She does not want to ruin the authentic nature of their interaction, the inauthentic moments that seem to slip in here or there are worse for the spirit than the distance that inevitably grows between interaction. One can say that they are just busy with their lives or avoiding technology or tired or broke... and all of those things one can say would be true, but it is also partly a difference in prioritizing, which honestly was made clear so it still lacks any inauthenticity, it just hurts. She is trying to reprioritize accordingly but that rings false as well. It hurts in her core and it is hard for her to tell sometimes if her physical organs are hurting due to her terminal organic disease or due to this void. She truly enjoys her interactions with him when he allows her in and opens up on even the slightest level though, so she can play by the new mostly unstated but quickly enforced rules of a friendship so stretched thin that it is nearing acquaintanceship. There is such an intense tension when she attempts any sort of physical contact, such as the initiation of a hug (allowed) or a poke (not allowed so much) or a holding of the hand (absolutely forbidden). All of these motions were ones that were a part of their friendship almost right off the bat and now they take immense courage and effort to do or at least attempt (or not attempt too hard, as the case may be). It is hard for her to understand the desire for such a distance but not all things need to be understood to be respected. She honestly cannot recall the details of the conversation that led to the exchanging of their things. Did he tell her finally that he did not love her or did he merely say that he did not want to be in a relationship with her or anyone within the time period she likely has left on this Earth? She just remembers he clarified something, or she did, and that was that. The book was closed, the season cancelled mid-airing.
People speak in such generalities about life, as though we all just have all the time in the world to do all the things we want to do and all the things we have to do and eventually get around to expressing our emotions to whomever/whenever and figuring out just what it is we’re doing... but we don’t. We just don’t. Platitudes are useless when irrelevant. Someone likely to die in their 30s will not benefit from hearing that one “could not pay [that person] enough” to relive that person’s thirties. Similarly, statements like “Maybe in 19 years....” are not helpful. It is possible, though highly improbable the way her body feels and her disease system appears to progress, that the girl might somehow be alive past her thirties or “in 19 years” but it is not something to count on, especially with her waning spirit. The girl thrives on the giving and receiving of positive affection and kindness and deteriorates without it. Her feathers are drenched and as she tries to reignite them time and time again, hopping around in the hopes of taking off, she finds herself land-locked in the stead until she can find a way to express the love she has within in a way that will bring joy rather than guilt or judgement.
Having said all of that, she still has a tiny vision of light and fire and flying to be done yet. She just has not figured out how to get there and whether the route will present itself before she leaves this place.
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